I WANT TO BE THE GIRL WITH THE MOST CAKE

my life

i buy my kisses

in cigarette packets

with the money mum gives me

to buy the dinner

that would put fat on my bones

and i make out

with fire

in the garden at night

when my house is sleeping

i look at the stars

and wish this kiss would last forever

but too soon it burns my mouth

so i put it out

throw the butt

over the fence

behind my neighbours garage

some day might be found

the ends of my love

when the garage gets pulled down

but i will be far from here then

and i love my dog so much

for holding his bark when i sneak in

and lock the door behind me

i fill a glass with water

and as i drink

smell the smoke in the skin

of my fingers

then i put in my retainer

which keeps my teeth from slipping

back out of perfection

and i climb into bed

and dream of adventures

with girls

the most beautiful of which

i know

already exists

155

i should write more than that i think. because it looks like im trying to be cryptic or something and im not and i dislike people who do. i dont know what to say though. because to be honest its been a few weeeks i think since the day i heard them kissing beside me without turning my head. i put my hood up. its purple. i cried that night. but the ffeeelings have sunken in and theres just envy left. i think. i envy her because she has someone and shes happy. i envy him because he can make her happy and he has her to make him happy. even though the same thing will happen to him. honestly im not enough of a bastard to wish it on him. but its happened with i think the last 3 guys shes gone out with. oh no i really hope shes sorted her shit out now and i hope they stay happy together especially because if they dont my heads gonna have more things to throw around in it. oh and things are going well with 'you-dont-know-who'. we went to the beach and sat by the empty paddling pool and i told her about how indie the little girls playing in it were, and how i was go ask one of them out. thered be a bitchfight fo sho. if you guys knew her youd all be so jealous of me that shes my friend. and not just because she dyed her hair a darker brown and it looks reeeeeally pretty but also because she says things like 'i had a teddy bear when i was a kid. i called it orphan.'

this is a poem

somebody buy me an ice cream

judies got a new boyfriend

theres a weird sort of happiness comes from realizing accepting things. ive been listening to sinead o'connor "nothing compares to you" on repeat. there are only a few people i spend all my time thinking about, in this way my thoughts and feelings make quite a lot of progress in the time between i see them. i have gotten better at thinking and thinking until i can sum things up in a sentence which i like to write in a notebook. and this is healthy, like eating an apple every day. its more the swallowing and the realization that this is an apple and accepting that you will digest said apple and then poos. and theres a few of these i write down here:::: you instantly became everything i wanted in myself and someone else.youre uniqueness is bordering on overly intense.but just not quite which makes you suuuper. i like you because you seem to have an obsession with pretending to be mute even though youve never read the catcher in the rye. but youre not as nice as your soft voice suggests. because you can hurt me so easily. maybe its not your fault its mine for being to soft. i also decided that kids whose arses get smacked become adults with consciences that weigh them down and fear of nothing in particular but the next big hiding that fate deals them. i dont want you anymore. i still want you. im still stupid.

orphans

ive felt scared before and sad and happy and everything but this is too much. its everything. emotional multi tasking. i think i can handle it all. i look normal. but it really makes my body go in weird shapes when i try to think. i have to keep occupied. but its impossible drifting from books to music to tv to computers they all suck really. i really have noone to blame. its not fair to blame you because all you did was come into my life, im the one who made myself crazy.well how are you supposed to live when the person who takes up your life isnt a part of your life. i feel really bad writing all this down, but my diary is full of these sorts of words already. and maybe youre interested in my life. even though this is too impersonal to really say anything. but i hope you know im not making something out of nothing. there most definitely is something but more than that its the nothing thats the big problem.you cant die because i have nothing else to live for. dont say you dont care because youre all i have to care about. you arent all i care about. youre just everything and youre in front of me. you make me cry every day. the only way i can explain it is this confusion and i feel like a snake because when i think one thing i move my arm and another thing arches my back. but theres too much to think and i just want to jump out of my skin and dance naked in the street.i wish you were on tv. no i wish i was on your tv. so youd think about me. i feel really sorry. but so long as my thoughts dont start bumping into yours its alright. i have nothing. for once. nothing makes sense except the mindless bullshit we continue to live. its just dumb enough to keep me from feeling. theres a kite on the powerlines outside.i have nothing to live for and i really doubt you (plural) do either