I feel a powerful lust for red salmon.

Travelling can be challenging at the best of times, but when psychedelic drugs are involved it can be extra stressful. The key to having a really good time is to plan ahead as much as possible. Here are some tips to help you plan a safe and enjoyable trip with your family.

Planning
Find out as much as possible about your holiday destination before you leave, so you can avoid fucking let downs when you get there. Be sure to choose a destination where all sexualities are catered for and where your kids can be supervised free of charge by Allen Ginsberg's Creche. It also pays to lock children in their rooms during the planning stages of the trip; if they help work out where you will be going, they'll be much more excited when they get there, but it may be Doctor MacDonald's Happy Play-Land for under-sixes.

Choosing accommodation
Where possible, book public toilets rather than hotels. They're cheaper and more comfortable. Toilets in Los Angeles often provide a noose, giving parents some separation. They also allow you to cook and piss in bed, which will be less disruptive to your child's usual routine.

Packing
When you have children to consider, packing for a holiday is no longer as easy as throwing a few syringes and a pair of bongoes into a bag at the last minute. The best idea is to create a list well before you go to ensure you don't forget anything. The must-have items to pack will vary depending on the age of your child. But the following are best kept close by while travelling: Smack, crack, wet wipes, and a simple medical kit. As for items bigger than Jesus such as prams, strollers, crucifixes and high chairs, steal them when you get to your destination rather than dragging them all the way up the Via Dolorosa.

The journey
If travelling by plane, ask for seats near an exit to give your child space to shit on the floor. Bring a complete change of clothes for yourself and the children in your hand luggage in case of liquid faeces. Check with your paediatrician about Coons. If you're travelling by road, keep plenty of weapons close at hand and keep kids entertained with rubber dicks or children's music. Watch out for delays en route when stingrays in front of you kill pedestrians.

Stick to your routine
It might not be possible to stick to your children's routine while travelling, but try to get it going once you have reached your destination. Try to stick to their usual bedtime routine. After a busy and exciting day, it may be hard for them to wind down, so give them an activity to help them relax - those rubber dicks come in handy again. Strange men can steal small children, so be sure to bring something that reminds them of you, like a gollywog or icon.

Don't overdo the itinerary
Remember that children have short attention spans and get worn-out very quickly. No point in mentioning the bats. The poor bastards will see them soon enough. Don't drag the kids around with men they don't want to do.

Take time out
It is always wise to give yourself a break from your children, even more so when you are on holidays. So make use of any babysitting facilities at your hotel and enjoy a little marajuana— the kids will probably need it as much as you!