BONNIE Ain't you ashamed? Tryin' to steal an old lady's automobile. CLYDE I been thinkin' about buyin' me one. BONNIE Bull. You ain't got money for dinner, let alone buy no car. CLYDE Now I got enough money for cokes, and since it don't look like you're gonna invite me inside-- BONNIE You'd steal the dining room table if I did. CLYDE Come to town with me, then. How'd that be? BONNIE Goin' to work anyway.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Siobhan asked me to write a blog about vietnam because i was too fucked to repeat the same goddam anecdotes over and over again. but i dont feel like it and i figure im gonna be up all night on this shit history project and i feel like a break. so im going to tell you another story. because vietnam might have been life changing, but to me, nothing is quite like this. and im not asking for any sympathy. it is, after all, a happy story.

I MET HER IN BURGER KING. but i didnt know her name. she was sitting across from me and she was little and cute and funny and i thought she had an american accent (it turned out to be scottish...?) i sneezed and i got a little shock when she said bless you, because i wasnt really in whatever conversation everyone else at the table was in. but it was nice and then she said i could help myself to her fries. after id sneezed! at the time i was still nowhere near getting over the last girl, who had decided she wasnt ready for a relationship after shed asked me out. yeah theres way more to that story i know. and i was pondering this thing while i was sitting helping myself to her fries. i was thinking is it wrong to just have girlfriends as like stepping stones to keep you happy while you wait for the ONE. god only knew that a few weeks later i would think that the girl with the chips was the ONE.

After the first day i went to school and we (andrew, me, zoe and adam and judie) were sitting in mcdonalds. i was having such a good time just talking bullshit like we do and laughing and singing the make it click song and the addams family song and a whole lot of shit that you really wonder how you get from one random topic like your fat-ass science teacher or whatever to your favourite flavour of tnt sours (for example). and then this goddamn song came on over the speakers. it was some hip hop thing right but every couple of bars theyd put in this "honk hee honk" thing that sounded somewhere between a cartoon car horn and sneakers on a wooden netball court. it just cracked me and andrew the fuck up and we laughed and laughed (all of us) and my ribs were killing me , my eyes were watering and the song was over but me and andrew just had to look at each other and the hysterical laughing bullshit would start all over again. god it was really so much fun.

jesus i cant tell you the rest of the story in this amount of detail or itll take forever. anyway, this one day like a week later i was running to catch my bus so i could get on with the free transfer thing and i just got to the door as the bus drove off and im not one to go waving my arms or anything so i just swore. and then judie was there. shes like hey. im like hey. and she pulls a moro bar out of her bag and gives me it. shed won it in science but she doesnt like them so she gave me it. it was so nice and i wasnt pissed at missing my bus anymore. so we just hung out till she caught her bus then i went and got mine. well for like the next week or something we kinda hung out every day after school in town with everyone else. i mean it was just like town but she was there and it was way more fun and we used to aaaaaaalways make adam buy chips and share them round the whole fucking town kid population. youll never guess what i did next! i got her number off of bebo and texted her. i know. it was probably the bravest thing ive ever done even if it seems like nothing to you. and so we could hang out in town. and after she left(she always left early to make tea) i could text her and we could talk more bullshit or we could talk about decent things to talk about and what we like and shit and her favourite colours were like green and purple and we both thought kurt cobain was amazing and we both thought eachother was amazing and we told eachother too. until one wednesday (the 17th of february-its not like im going to forget the day) we were in town and then she went off to get her hair dyed bright red and i promised id wait and meet her when she got back to town to hang out before she had to go home. and everyone else had left. it was raining and whoever was dying her hair was taking longer than shed expected. so i waited and waited alone for her and i realised that i liked her a whole whole lot because why the fuck else would i be here? and then there she was. we went and she bought chips at bk and we poured them out over the tray and had dinner together. just us. i think afterwards we sat in the exchange and stared at the lights until they made us see shit and then wed look at people and theyd just have a big old black dot in place of a head. its really funny actually. i think thats what happened. and as per usual, when we left, we texted eachother and it was like night time and im like lets play a game and it was her turn to pick a game. we used to play word games and other imaginative things like "guess what colour im thinking of" over text . and she suggested we play this game where one of us starts a sentence, then the next finishes it off and starts a new one. the funny thing is i didnt take the hint straight away and i kept talking about candyfloss and giants. then i got it. i said: the last time i ever.... and she said: smiled was with you. then it clicked. it ended: her: i really like... me: you. i really like... her: you too. do you... me: want to go out? her: yes c: i know i broke the rules of the game but who gives a fuck about a stupid word game when you just got a fucking amazing beautiful girlfriend. she said yes at exactly 12:00. spooky right? not really.

I WAS SO HAPPY. in study i was in the lockers singing amazing grace but it was really funny cos i was doing it with those embellished bits like negro gospel singers add in but i was totally taking it over the top. it was just silly but i thought it was the most goddamn hilarious thing ever. and after school i went to see her and we walked towards eachother and we're both smiling at eachother because we both know something. and shes on a bench and im on the ground and we hug. we used to do this all the time in all kinds of walls and stairs because i was like more than a head taller than her. but it was cool. and now we could hang out , we already hugged before, but now we could be sitting outside a shop. everyone else would go in, but i couldnt cos i was smoking and wed sit there and then she rested her head on my shoulder and i reasted my head on her resting head. little things like this are just so beautiful. and you dont know her, but if you did you wouldnt believe that I was going out with HER. because everyone thinks shes just fucking fabulous and she just is. she is just so free spirited and she just radiates this kind of brightness. she has so much life. and everyone loves her to bits.

I WAS SO HAPPY. she used to drink loads of that iced tea stuff. and we used to walk around holding eachothers little sweaty hands. we were sitting in the square and this wacky wasted dude on a bike who may have been jesus comes over and tells us (amid some total bullshit like a list of musicians hed turn gay for and some even weirder shit about how he recycled like a butterfly from wanting to kill himself to wanting to kill everyone else) this kind of insightful stuff about how he knew we were good people and all this advice about staying loyal to one another. then he offers us his rtd and bikes off. everyday was like that with judie. it was just like living in this weird land where eveything was beautiful and everyone was nice and everything was goddamn hilarious and we were walking through this crazy cartoon world, hand in hand.

I WAS SO HAPPY. i remember once we were sitting beneath this tree and she was lying there on her back and i was sitting cross legged beside her face. i picked up all these seeds off the ground and rolled them down her little wee nose like it was a half pipe. and she just had the biggest smile and the cutest laugh. we would draw eachother pictures at school and then meet in the afternoon and swap them. i used to draw her kittens with skateboards and cigarettes and love hearts and one day and shed give me zebras or eggplants or cupcakes. and one day she hands me her ipod touch and theres a letter written on it. it was the sweetest thing anyones ever done for me. and it ended like this: 'i love you'. now i know for some weird reason a lot of people say you cant love her, youve only known her a few weeks. or love is about commitment and how we teenagers cant love. we can like. we can really like. we can heart. we can lust i guess. but love is for adults. thats your opinion i guess. its not mine.i understand that love isnt something you just say.but if two people who are perfect for each other manage to find themselves together out of the billions of others,and something like her eyebrow can make you happier than anything youve ever felt. then you can say i love you. and when you mean it. and when you know they do too, its like being in fucking heaven.

and this went on for a couple of weeks. then it gets a bit more complicated and i cant pinpoint anything anymore. it started out, shed leave her phone charger at her friends house and she wouldnt be able to text back for a couple days and she wouldnt bother to tell you some other way that everything was okay. but it was okay, because the next time you saw her youd hug her and shed say 'i left my charger at my friends house' and it wouldnt matter anymore how id thought she was pissed at me or dead in a ditch, because she wasnt. and she was here. and we kissed. but then one day it happened again. and i worried a bit because she had a lot of shit happening with her family and i was worried about her. she didnt text back and she wasnt in town. and i got really worried. but then i saw her and shes like my phones dead. and we hugged and it was all okay. but it wasnt because she still wouldnt text back and when i saw her she wouldnt talk to me. for like a week i didnt hear a word from her. then i saw her. she didnt say anything. so after ten minutes i went up to her and i tapped her on the arm and i couldnt help it but i just started stroking her arm between my thumb and forefinger. and i said: do you want to talk to me? and she just stared straight ahead. and said: if i talk to you ill get fucked up. and i was thinking about what shed just said and what it really meant and i was like in shock just standing there. her arms folded staring right past me, me still stroking her arm. then i turned round and walked away. after walking like twenty metres my friend laura stands in front of me shes like Hey! and i just grabbed her and started sobbing on her shoulder. and then i stepped back. and andrew was there. and i grabbed him and started sobbing on his shoulder. ive never cried like that in my life. jesus. i still had no idea what the hell was going on.

I'M SORRY, she texts me the next evening. wow. i can still feel that breath going out of me when i first see her name on my screen, then i read her text. it was relief, disbelief, anger even. but i thought saying shes sorry meant everything was okay again. it wasnt. she arranged to meet me monday after school. and i knew she was breaking up with me. and i had to wait a whole night and day. it sucked. and history teachers pissed at me cos im going somewhere and i cant be at the cunts vietnam trip meeting and shes asking me where did i have to be that was so important and wed planned this meeting weeks in advance and are you gonna smile when youre in vietnam????? and i cant fucking say "sorry i wasnt planning all those weeks ago that i was gonna have an appointment to get dumped today at short notice. it just came up. and i dont give a fucking shit about your pissie little meeting when there are bigger things going on in the world and just because youre fifty and get excited about walking your dogs and watching top gear and medieval forms of contraception doesnt mean we're all the same. and no im not gonna be smiling in vietname because im not going im locking myself in my closet for two weeks and banging my head against the wall the whole time. so fuck off." but i couldnt say that. and i could feel the tears coming. so laurissa escorted me out of class. and i was on my way to town when i get a text saying she cant come in today. and this happened another two times i think. its like waiting for the fucking electric chair and it keeps breaking down, just when youre sitting there and youve already said goodbye to everyone and youve thought about your life and where it went wrong and youve accepted your fate. and then it goes klunk. and youre like what the shit? and it keeps happening and now youre almost expecting it not to work now. well it was thursday. and i was leaving saturday morning. and she wasnt here. and so i said call me later. and she said she said she couldnt. and i said text me. and she said she wouldnt. but i forced her to. its not the way i wanted it to end. but it had to end and time was running out. and i told it was okay. and it was okay. i wasnt okay. but it was okay. and she was doing what i suppose was best for me. and i went to a gig on friday night to say goodbye to zoe and everyone but then i see judie. i was like ohjesus. she hugs me, says wheres... im like... shes like found him. and shes gone. later on she takes me round the corner and shes saying im sorry im sorry im sorry and im saying i know its okay i know its alright and she keeps saying it and i say i love you. then im like (in my head) FUCKWHYDIDYOUSAYTHAT ah CHRIST and put my hand over my face.

Anyway i texted her when id gathered my thoughts and everything was gonna be alright and i went to vietnam it was great. and i saw her just on friday night i talked to her. oh but god how i miss her.


Siobhan said...

You write so well.
And I don't believe that teenagers can't love.

Anonymous said...

I think teenagers can love; just a different comprehension and understanding of love.
And indeed you write very well.

Anonymous said...

agreed, you write amazingly well.
really really good post.


Siobhan said...

The little story I told you about the girl I babysat