orphans

ive felt scared before and sad and happy and everything but this is too much. its everything. emotional multi tasking. i think i can handle it all. i look normal. but it really makes my body go in weird shapes when i try to think. i have to keep occupied. but its impossible drifting from books to music to tv to computers they all suck really. i really have noone to blame. its not fair to blame you because all you did was come into my life, im the one who made myself crazy.well how are you supposed to live when the person who takes up your life isnt a part of your life. i feel really bad writing all this down, but my diary is full of these sorts of words already. and maybe youre interested in my life. even though this is too impersonal to really say anything. but i hope you know im not making something out of nothing. there most definitely is something but more than that its the nothing thats the big problem.you cant die because i have nothing else to live for. dont say you dont care because youre all i have to care about. you arent all i care about. youre just everything and youre in front of me. you make me cry every day. the only way i can explain it is this confusion and i feel like a snake because when i think one thing i move my arm and another thing arches my back. but theres too much to think and i just want to jump out of my skin and dance naked in the street.i wish you were on tv. no i wish i was on your tv. so youd think about me. i feel really sorry. but so long as my thoughts dont start bumping into yours its alright. i have nothing. for once. nothing makes sense except the mindless bullshit we continue to live. its just dumb enough to keep me from feeling. theres a kite on the powerlines outside.i have nothing to live for and i really doubt you (plural) do either

and i told you to be patient, and i told you to be fine

i sort of intend to write a little more because i kinda started feeling more. and its because of someone. and im sure they wish they didnt make me feel anything. and sometimes i think the same. but its better feeling something. no matter what it is. and if youre someone who knows how to get me to talk, you may have heard a little about them. but probably only the bits i complain about. theres nothing to complain about though. nothing at all. welllll maybe but . ok. but i dont know what to say because its possible she may read this. but she made me very excited then very good about myself then very bad about myself and about everything. and she still continues to make me feel, only its more like both of these extremes all at once. which in a weird way is more easily manageable. i hope she knows that she has done a lot of good and that the bad was all just my fault. and i hope we can go feed some ducks again and i hope she throws the bread at me again. so to cut a long (in my head) story short, i have made a friend. and they are very special to me. in a nice way. and shes oh so pretty and i dont care if she doesnt like being told so.