orphans

ive felt scared before and sad and happy and everything but this is too much. its everything. emotional multi tasking. i think i can handle it all. i look normal. but it really makes my body go in weird shapes when i try to think. i have to keep occupied. but its impossible drifting from books to music to tv to computers they all suck really. i really have noone to blame. its not fair to blame you because all you did was come into my life, im the one who made myself crazy.well how are you supposed to live when the person who takes up your life isnt a part of your life. i feel really bad writing all this down, but my diary is full of these sorts of words already. and maybe youre interested in my life. even though this is too impersonal to really say anything. but i hope you know im not making something out of nothing. there most definitely is something but more than that its the nothing thats the big problem.you cant die because i have nothing else to live for. dont say you dont care because youre all i have to care about. you arent all i care about. youre just everything and youre in front of me. you make me cry every day. the only way i can explain it is this confusion and i feel like a snake because when i think one thing i move my arm and another thing arches my back. but theres too much to think and i just want to jump out of my skin and dance naked in the street.i wish you were on tv. no i wish i was on your tv. so youd think about me. i feel really sorry. but so long as my thoughts dont start bumping into yours its alright. i have nothing. for once. nothing makes sense except the mindless bullshit we continue to live. its just dumb enough to keep me from feeling. theres a kite on the powerlines outside.i have nothing to live for and i really doubt you (plural) do either